2018-11-09- Friday Whisper – Sharing a Bed…

“It is only a bed that we are sharing, nothing else”, she said the moment she sat on the couch in front of me. And she started sobbing silently. I honored her tears, gave her couple of minutes then asked her “tell me more…”

“Well, I am not sure if there is anything left in this relationship, after a decade of marriage…. each one of us is living in his own world” she said. She paused then continued “we are either taking care of the children and the house, or he is on his phone chatting on WhatsApp or watching videos, or watching a football match, or he is out with his friends or he is working late at the office. There is no conversation between us…and I have tried many times Rania, I googled things, I read books and try to implement many things, but nothing works… and I am tired, I am really tired feeling I am the only person who is trying to revive this relationship…”

-“But you know Leen, guys like to do guys’ stuff” I replied

-“I know Rania, I don’t want him to stop any of what I said, I just need to feel that I have a place in his life!”

-“From what I know before, he is a great dad”

-“He is, I’ve never denied this, he is still a great dad for our four kids. I just want to have a great lover for myself. I didn’t sign up for this kind of relationship!”

-“Then what relationship you signed up for” I asked

-“Well….I signed up for a relationship made of love, care and respect. I’ve got the respect, I have the love (well I thought I do!) but realized the care is not there…and start wondering doesn’t care come out of love?” looking at me with wondering eyes.

-“and what is care for you?”

-Silence reigned for a moment then she answered: “Caring can be as small as a text message during the day saying ‘You are on my mind’ or ‘you looked sexy this morning’ and as big as ‘leave everything and get dressed, want to take you out for coffee now’ ”

-“What else?”

-“When you care about a person, you care about things he/she does, what they are interested in, you try to join them in that, you look for things to try for the first time together, for new places you visit together, for new food you taste together…. You don’t criticize on every occasion, you throw a compliment here and there…”

-“What else?”

She hesitated then said: “when you care, your intimate relationship will look like making love, not just having sex…”

-“I see… and what do you miss most?”

-She paused then said trying to hold her tears: “I don’t know if I miss him or I miss the guy I though he is….I feel estranged from the guy I fell in love with once….”

-“And what will happen when you have the love and care you are longing for?”

-“I will feel loved, not taken for granted, not like a piece of furniture that one stops noticing after a while…I will feel that I am at the top of his priorities and that all the chores and work I do is worth it because at the end of the day I will come back to a man who fully loves me and is there for me…”

-“so if I ask you to name only one thing you would like him to do, what would it be?”

-She took a deep breath, took a moment to think then said thru her tears: “to come and hug me saying: I love you, you are so important to me that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work…”

-“well, I think you’ve let out many things today, I can see you are worn out…where you would like us to go from here?”

-“Nowhere, I will stop here. I needed to share this so I have a clearer picture about what I want and don’t want.” -“OK then, for our next session I want you to draw that picture and bring it with you”

-“You’ve got that.”

-“Leen, my next whisper will be about you, would you mind?”

-“Not at all Rania, please do…maybe when I reread my story I know how to write the next chapter of my life” then she looked at me with teary blue eyes and said “with or without him…”

I left her thinking how relationships are like plants, they need to be nurtured and watered to grow and develop. And it is really about the daily small things that keep them alive. And I remembered a quote that I read once: “Chase her. Chase her even when she’s already yours. That’s the only way you will be assured to never lose her.”

*for the sake of privacy, Leen was used as a nickname.

Rania Hammoud, ACC, Life Coach

http://www.raniahammoud.com

Check also my blog at raniahammoud.blogspot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

you can also join my page at https://www.facebook.com/PerfectMindLifeCoaching

 

 

 

 

2018-09-07- Friday Whisper -The Future You…

In ten years from now, imagine yourself: where would you be? How would you look like? Who will be living with you? What will you be doing? How would you be spending your time? How many friends would you have? What will be your hobbies by then?

Now Imagine this same person take the mobile and make a phone call to you today… How would that conversation go? What would this person tell you to stop doing? To start doing? And to keep doing? What would that person blame you for? What would that person hold you responsible for? What would that person thank you for? And what would be one advice he/she will give you?

In case you don’t care how this conversation will go, keep doing what you are doing…

In case you want to make sure you have satisfactory answers, you need to look into many things: what are you current habits? What are your current values? your current beliefs? Your current challenges? Your current limitations? Your hopes and dreams? Whom are you blaming for not reaching your dreams yet? Who is responsible for your current misery? Have you found your purpose in life yet? Are you the driver of your life or the passenger?

Give the “future you” a bright future by starting today, and don’t bet on luck as luck only comes to those who are getting prepared…

Change your habits, google what you need and seek help from experts…

Benjamin Franklin, a former US president, said: “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail”

And Dr. Abdul Kalam, a former Indian president, said: “You cannot change your Future, you can change your Habits. And surely your Habits will change your Future”

The next time you imagine this phone call, do what it takes to make this conversation a pleasant one…

Rania Hammoud, ACC, Life Coach

http://www.raniahammoud.com

Check also my blog at raniahammoud.blogspot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

you can also join my page at https://www.facebook.com/PerfectMindLifeCoaching

2018-08-31- Friday Whisper -You Are the World…

You are the World to your children, which they see it through your actions… By that, you set the rules for them of how the rest of the world will treat them…In other words, how they will allow others to do so.

If you use physical violence (hitting and spanking) or verbal violence (screaming, calling names), they will find it normal if it happens to them in the future. Mind you, that if the physical violence leaves a trace on the body and which might vanish, the verbal one leaves a scar on their soul, which might stay forever.

Hitting and screaming have only one benefit: controlling your kids and letting your anger out. They have no other value whatsoever when it comes to educating and raising your kids. If you call your child “a failure” or “a stupid”, it will become his/her belief that they are so and will do everything to prove that, most of the time unconsciously.

You see, if you use violence and then tell your kids that you love them, you are installing a belief in them that violence is the other face of love. So your daughter would believe that it is ok for her partner to abuse her because it is a sign of love. And your son will use violence with his partner and kids to show them love!

On the other hand, if you treat your children with respect, you listen to them, you acknowledge their feelings and their needs, they will expect this from the rest of the world and won’t settle for less… they will stand up for themselves and for others in the face of a disrespect or act of violence.

It is ok for your child to do a mistake, even to repeat it, as long as you explain to them how to learn from their mistakes and bear the consequences, without shaming and blaming them. Doing wrong is part of life, we cannot expect them to do right all the time, specially that we do not ourselves!

Peggy O’Mara, a journalist and a blogger, said: “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”

And Leo Babauta, an author and journalist, said: “”The example we set for our kids, how to act when things don’t go our way is much, much more important than the rules we set for them.”

You are the World to your children; make sure you show them a Wonderful one!

Rania Hammoud, ACC, Life Coach

http://www.raniahammoud.com

Check also my blog at raniahammoud.blogspot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

you can also join my page at https://www.facebook.com/PerfectMindLifeCoaching

2018-08-03 – Friday Whisper – Nagging…

The other day I stepped out my home to the minimart nearby to get some fruits. It was a hot and humid night. And in my head I started nagging about the heat…for a minute then stopped and thought about it: so I am going to the minimart that is less than 100 meters away, walking – that is  I am in a good health, to buy something that I can afford, walking at night in a safe place then going back to a home where my family is safe and sound. Once I realized all this, I came back home thanking God for all the blessings I have, with every step I took.

See, sometimes you nag about your baby waking up at night for breastfeeding => baby is in a good health and you can breastfeed

Sometimes you nag about running around for your kids => you were able to have kids

Sometimes you nag about your kids being loud and doing mess around => they are in a good health and are meeting their milestones without major challenges

Sometimes you nag about being in the traffic => you own a car with a working air conditioning

Sometimes you nag about your boss or your colleagues or the workload => you have a job

Sometimes you nag about your extra weight that you can’t lose => you can eat anything you want

Sometimes you nag about your children’s grades => you can afford sending them to school and trust me grades are nothing.

Sometimes you nag about your parents are calling you very often => they are still alive

Sometimes you nag about the heat/cold when you go out => you are able to open the door and walk out

Sometimes you nag about how your feet hurt you because of how much you walked too much => you are not in a wheelchair

Sometimes we are so taken into our own drama that we forget our own blessings. Now I don’t expect you to be positive and happy all the time, especially when have more serious matters than what I stated above. It is ok to nag and feel down, just make sure once you start nagging, start counting the blessings. It always works.

Germany Kent , an American journalist and actress, said: “Take time daily to reflect on how much you have. It may not be all that you want but remember someone somewhere is dreaming to have what you have.”

And Elizabeth Gilbert, an American author, said: ““At some point, you gotta let go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you.”
If you can get to a contentment state, you are already wealthy!

Rania Hammoud, ACC,Life Coach

http://www.raniahammoud.com

Check also my blog at raniahammoud.blogspot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

you can also join my page at https://www.facebook.com/PerfectMindLifeCoaching

 

 

 

2018-04-20 – Friday Whisper – Healing…

I just finished taking a course on reflex integration called Masgutova method. In few words, this method integrates/reintegrates any missing or dysfunctional primitive reflex that we have. A primitive reflex, for instance, for a baby is sucking, turning head, or crawling. Under normal conditions, they emerge in a predictable sequence. If they are disturbed for many reasons, it will affect normal functioning and development. Those reflexes may get disturbed also during our lifetime, after a trauma, a surgery or due to lots of stress.

So I took this course for the aim of helping my daughter, as she has many reflexes unintegrated properly. And I thought, instead of taking her to centers to fix them, I’d rather take this course and help her myself now and in the future, whenever she needs it.

During the course, and after each reflex we took, we had to work with a partner to check the reflex and integrate it on each other. This is where I found out that I have many immature reflexes! And I thought, it is amazing how learning methods to help my daughter is revealing my own flaws and shows me how much I need to help myself first… How on our way to help others, we need to help ourselves along the way… and when I thought I am more whole and more complete, here is my child who lead me to a new path that showed me another dimension of me that needs to be taken care of…

An anonymous quote reads: “Until you have a kid with special needs you have no idea of the depth of your strength, tenacity and resourcefulness.”

And another one reads: “Sometimes the things we can’t change end up changing us.”

Mila, my love, you are healing me all the way…

Rania Hammoud, ACC,Life Coach

http://www.raniahammoud.com

Check also my blog at raniahammoud.blogspot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

you can also join my page at https://www.facebook.com/PerfectMindLifeCoaching

 

2017-12-29 – Friday Whisper – Fog…

Last week, we had heavy fog on one morning… nothing could be seen from the window… I hesitated to go out but I checked the weathercast that said the fog will clear out during the day… yet my window showed nothing but white… So I told myself to proceed and see how it will go: in case I feel it is too dangerous, I would call my boss and tell him the situation.

So I left to work and started driving… I could hardly see up to 50 meters. But the more I move forward, I could see what was there on the next 50 meters. I kept moving until I got close to my destination where the fog disappeared completely and the sun came out.

You see, sometimes in life, an event would happen to us asking us to start a new journey, yet we hesitate as we can’t see where it is leading us. So some of us may decide not to jump, as we are afraid of what might come up, and it is better to stay safe at home. Some of us decide to take a chance and start the journey, not knowing what will come next, but staying vigilant and cautious to deal with any surprise… and sometimes the fog may fade sooner or later, or even stay the whole route till our destination… But if we decide not to drive, we might never know what is awaiting for us out there ….

The fog also has this kind of suspense, mystery and charm… it promises discoveries on the way, surprises- good or bad… Just keep in mind,  good opportunities come disguised as fogs of uncertainty… only driving thru it will clear it out…

Joseph Conrad, a Polish-British writer, said: “It is not the clear-sighted who rule the world. Great achievements are accomplished in a blessed, warm fog.”

Take one 50 meters at a time, and keep going, the sun will come out…

Rania Hammoud, ACC,Life Coach

http://www.raniahammoud.com

Check also my blog at raniahammoud.blogspot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

you can also join my page at https://www.facebook.com/PerfectMindLifeCoaching

 

 

 

2017-12-22 – Friday Whisper – Traffic…

Every day I drive on an average of 1-2 hours. And you know, when you are driving long drives alone, you are in your head, thinking about everything you want to do, things you are forgetting to do, and when you are going to do them!

I also think about the traffic itself; you tend to think that you are alone in your car, driving independently.

When in reality, you depend big time on the way the driver in front of you drives, the one behind you, the one on your left, the one on your right… not only that, but you also depend on  the second, third, fourth car ahead of you… and the second, third, fourth car behind you depends on you as well…

See, when you think you are independent, you are totally dependent on others, the same way others depend on you… and all this either directly or indirectly….

Exactly like this life, people around you may be affected by your deeds, your decisions, the same way you are affected by them…. Even generations to come depend on you… what kids you are bringing up to this World, kids who will affect more generations to come… the same way you were affected by your parents, your ancestors and their deeds…

Martin Luther King jr, an American activist, said: “today our very survival depends on our ability to stay awake, to adjust to new ideas, to remain vigilant and to face the challenge of change”

So stay vigilant of what you say, what you do, how you think , how you judge, how you react… revisit your ideas and beliefs every now and then, it takes courage to face them, to face yourself, and to change…

Be vigilant while driving…be vigilant while living…

 

Rania Hammoud, ACC,Life Coach

www.perfectmind.ca

Check also my blog at http://raniahammoud.blospot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

You can also join my Facebook Page

 

2017-09-16- Friday Whisper – I lost a Friend…

Last week I lost a dear friend…. I lost a friend just because another guy decided to be reckless and drove insanely… just like that, he was gone…

It was a very sad surprise for all of us who knew him and his family…

And I thought about him, how did he feel when he was hit by that car? What did he think of last? What did he want to tell his wife, his kids, his parents, his siblings, his friends before he left?

He was on my mind with his family that week. I realized that between the day he died and the day he was buried, without me knowing, I was thinking about our regular gatherings, more than a decade ago, at his place with his wife and friends…. How happy and giggling those gatherings were… and I longed for one more gathering, to relive those moments… for us to reunite one more time…

We don’t know what is in store for us… maybe we are living our best days…maybe in the future we will look back at today and wish those days will come back…. Today I lost a friend, don’t know who would be next…one day my friends will lose me… Death is the only reality in this life… Everything else is debatable…

With every beloved we lose, we bury a piece of us with them… memories are the thing we are left with… and when memories start fading sometimes, we hang on to some photos here and there…we check their Facebook profile again and again…sometimes I sent my late beloved ones some page invitations…pretending they are still out there… as if nothing has changed…

Dear Hadi, I will not tell you that you will live in our heart nor that we will see you in your children nor that we will never forget your calmness, your always-smiling face…. I will tell you that you and Mirna are part of my memories, the good ones… and this will always be true…

Till we meet again…

Rania Hammoud, ACC,Life Coach

www.perfectmind.ca

Check also my blog at http://raniahammoud.blospot.com or at raniahammoud.wordpress.com

You can also join my Facebook Page

 

 

 

 

2017-07-03 – How I Love You…

I looked into all words to find the ones that express how I love you but couldn’t find the right ones…

I looked into languages to find the one that express my feelings best but couldn’t find any…

I looked at the sky to find the stars that look like you but none of them is shining as you are…

I looked among flowers to find the one that is the closest to your beauty yet all flowers failed to match yours…

I looked into my heart to see how much you fill it and found that you are my heart…

You came into my life on this day and you changed it forever…

When I hug you I feel I am hugging life itself, and when you smile at me as if the whole world is smiling back…

The way you look at me, the way your eyes smile at me, the way I feel your little hands on my face, the way you shine in my everyday…nothing can match it or even can come close to it…

Today you turn One, a full year that brought everything with it, above all pure joy and abundant love to all of us…

I can’t ask for more as I can’t imagine anything more than you…

Happy birthday to you, my one & only Mila…

2017-03-24 – Friday Whisper – I thought I got it all…

I thought I got it all…. I lived my life, achieved what I wanted, lived abroad, experienced many facades of life, entertained myself, made lots of friends, enjoyed my time with family…and when the time came, I met the love of my life, got married and settled down with a great man and lovely children. They gave me the chance to experience what it is like to have kids, teenagers, adults, boys and girls, with all the joy and challenges that come with it. I thought it couldn’t be better…but then I became pregnant, just like that, naturally…. and that was the cherry on top of the cake.  I thought that this will be the child who will seal this circle of love… she will be the link that will connect us all and forever.

On 3^rd of July 2016, Mila joined my life… at the hospital the nurse brought her to me for couple of minutes and then took her away. Once they brought me to my room, a doctor came and told us that Mila was a bit weak, so they had to move her to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit… I knew later on that she needed to be on oxygen support, that she had hypotonia, that she was born with a hip dysplasia plus a jaundice and a blood infection! A bundle of unpleasant things, that to say!

Once I was able to walk, I went to the NICU to see her…she was in this cubicle, attached to tubes and machines… so tiny with 2.4 kg of weight, so peaceful…

It took four days before I could hold her into my arms but when I did, it felt so good, so whole… After few days, I had to leave the hospital without her as she had to stay for few more days before her oxygen problem and blood infection were solved.  Doctors also took blood samples from her to do some chromosome tests.

When I left without Mila, I felt down…it was supposed to be different…I was supposed to leave the hospital with her… for my sleepless nights to start…I was supposed to nurse her every couple of hours and shush her siblings when she was sleeping…Mom was supposed to teach me how to bathe her… Sami was supposed to take care of her while I take a nap after a long night… instead the only proof of her existence at home was the milk pump I was using and my hospital visits…

When we finally brought her home, unlike Sami, I couldn’t rejoice fully as I was still worried about the chromosome test results…

As I was waiting for the results day by day, I felt something was wrong… that she might have some kind of syndrome… I started grieving the child I was expecting and all the dreams I had for her… the school I wanted her to attend, the university I wanted her to join, the places I wanted her to travel to, her going out with her friends, driving her car, learning to play music, learning new languages, reading all those books on the shelf, excelling in her career, making friends with neighbors, playing with her cousins… And I thought of her life if the test results came back positive…how dependent she will be? Will she be excluded from society? Would people look at her with pity and tell themselves thank God they don’t have to deal with such case? Would her friends spend time with her but when they plan for an outing they won’t call her to join them? Would she be deprived from higher education? And I sobbed…even before I got the results… I sobbed…

Finally after a month, the results came confirming my worries… Mila has Down syndrome…

For the next weeks I would daydream about going back to that delivery day…to that very moment when Mila was born and undo the fate… having her in full health… her joining me after delivery…us leaving hospital together few days later… then carry on with life just like everybody else…just like that…as simple as it can be…

However, reality was different… the reality was that all of a sudden I felt as if someone dropped me in the middle of the ocean, I didn’t know where I am nor which direction to take…

It took few months for me to figure things out, to google stuff, to ask experienced people around, to visit concerned centers till I knew exactly where I am and what I have to do… so the early intervention journey started there with the help of our families and friends, and above all my Mom and my rock, Sami… It found out that the presence of Down syndrome persons in a home can bring peace and serenity to the whole family.  With proper preparation, I learned that she can lead a great life, she can have friends, she can reach college, she can learn whichever music and language she wants, she can earn her own living and be on her own.  Of course, she will have challenges but this can be overcome with professional help. Her limitations will be the ones that society and we will put on her. With the right intervention, she might be able to be and do whatever she wants….

Mila introduced us to a world I didn’t know existed…no matter how much you think you understand the world of people with special needs, you won’t know it until you walk into that world…

I realized how we excluded them from our lives…how they and their needs were invisible to us…and how we are so absorbed in our own world that we don’t know they exist…how we put a stigma on them because they don’t fit into our “normal” stereotype. How we pity them when in reality we have to pity our own limitations of understanding them.

Looking back now, I found out that the chromosome test was just one examination among other medical tests, not more than that… It is just an index to direct our journey, but for sure doesn’t define who Mila is….my worries were only mine… my preconceptions were because of my ignorance… and the main disability was my perception and misunderstanding…I can see now how my past journey in life has prepared me for my Mila…and the future shall tell me what Mila is preparing me for…

Today, we are all enjoying Mila at home and our journey with her; a journey that is teaching us a lot not only about her but also about ourselves… she is bringing the best in everyone who knows her, and for sure, she is bringing the best in Sami and me…

As Yvonne Pierre, an American advocate and writer, said: “When you focus on someone’s disability you’ll overlook their abilities, beauty and uniqueness. Once you learn to accept and love them for who they are, you subconsciously learn to love yourself unconditionally.”

And another quote by unknown says: “Until you have a kid with special needs you have no idea of the depth of your strength, tenacity and resourcefulness.”

Mila turned out to be everything I didn’t know I wanted…I now know that I’ve got it all…

Meet Mila Sami Tabsh